Love & Infertility Workshop Q & A

During Part 2 of Dr. Rob’s Love & Infertility Workshop Series that took place in Syracuse, NY for CNY Fertility Center Clients the below questions were asked. It was a very useful exercise so Kristen Magnacca wanted to share the questions and answers here.

Questions & Answers:
Thank you to everyone who submitted a question during our last workshop.  The questions were very thoughtful and I hope you’ll find them helpful.  -Kristen Magnacca

When you think about the worst- case scenario, how do you allow yourself to accept those possibilities?  Should You?

This is such an important questions.  How do you stay optimistic and allow for the possibility for the negative outcome.  For me, it is calling out the elephant in the room and acknowledging the fear. Then once done, creating a system to release all the charge behind the fear.

First of all it takes great strength and bravery to admit that you are afraid and then take action to move through the fear.  The emotional of fear is not a “bad” thing it is natural and organic, it’s what we do with the fear that matters.  Allowing yourself to “visit’ the worst case scenario doesn’t mean that you’re going to live there all the time, it’s accepting your feelings at the current moment and the taking steps to get back to the positive flow as soon as possible.

Here are the four steps to the proactive formula.  Try to practice integrating them into your thought process when you feel the fear come up and start taking over:

The Proactive Formula
1) An obstacle occurs (What are you afraid of?)
2) Realize that your reaction, not the obstacle, is the real enemy
3) Shut down your reactive system to allow the Light in (take a deep breath, ask yourself “Is this a helpful thought?”
4) Express your proactive nature:  If you’re stuck at  how to express your proactive nature, simply invoke “thanks” in the current moment. Saying a simple “thank you” is like Kryptonite to fear.  You can’t hold the direct opposite of fear vs. scarcity, when you’re expressing thanks.

“Thank your strong and wonderful body for working so hard as we bring forth our baby” or “thank you universe, I feel safe and protected”

What are some ways you’ve seen your goals/dreams materialized after you first began creating your vision board?

Materializing dreams through the vision board can be a bit surprising!  I remember putting a piece of paper on my vision board that represented a desire and it getting covered over by another photo.  When I moving the board the buried slip feel off, staring back at me from the ground, I glanced at the photo and was a bit overwhelmed because, I had manifested the identical item.  How did that happen when I wasn’t even seeing that desire on a day-to-day basis?   There is magic in writing your goals down and creating a vision of where you’re going!

It all sounds so great but how do you fit it in(reading, self care, etc)?

It does all sound so great doesn’t it?   How do you fit it in to an already overloaded system of living?
You must engage that 5% of your brain, which is conscious during the day and schedule, arrange and commit to change and progress.  Pick one strategy and work it for 21 days to create a habit.  But the secret is  to commit to doing it for that length of time.  Remember the RAS?  That part of your brain that creates your associates?  Well, right now your associations to these strategies are “will I have to do them forever?  One more thing, great!  I don’t have time for one more thing”
Quiet that part of your brain and state for example that you’ll commit to journaling for 21 days, and see if this is the correct strategy for you. You’ll feel your whole body exhale and say “sure”!  I can do anything for 21 days!  Now STICK to it.  Pick the right strategy for you!

Like you I am a detail oriented list-making planner, a pessimistic optimist (planning for the worst while hoping for the best) but many people are not like this.  The young ladies’ question about acknowledging fear points out differences in personality. So what about those who are not list makers?

I love this question!  List vs. non-list makers!  I hear the concern about allowing yourself to feel the fear and then moving on; because for some of us it is too difficult to acknowledge that feeling and then regroup.  It is the difference between internal and external motivation.  Internal meaning that you can hear yourself speak in your head, see the pictures in your mind’s eye or get a sense or feeling of the fear, acknowledge it and then get yourself back to center.  Some externally motivated people have a difficult time because they rely on the outside world for refocusing and to come back to balance.

Both “types” of individuals need to remember one thing:
The energy around the fear is not bad or good, it just is!  First acknowledging it is not a “bad” thing to feel fear is the most powerful diffuser regardless of the list making or non list makers.

The line I use to myself is this “Here I go again, feeling afraid of ____okay, those feelings are here now but will change in a moment”.  Then I use the proactive formula to call in the light.

How do you stop the “ticking time bomb” feeling?  I worry constantly about getting older (and I’m only 34).

That old, silent and crazy making ticking time bomb!  You almost want to scream!  TURN IT OFF!
The feeling of running out of time is so common in this journey and in life.  The quickest way to bring yourself back to the present moment, which is the most productive way of dealing with future based thinking is to look down at your feet.  (It sounds a bit silly)

Notice the floor that you’re standing on and then take a deep breath.  Saying to yourself ” We are working so hard at creating our family and I am so grateful for the people who are helping us along the way”. Remaining grounded in the present has a white noise effect on that ticking tomb bomb.

When you practice acknowledging the feelings of “running out of time”and then reframe the response in your head to what you are doing not what needs to be done you are creating different associations to time.  Revisit the shift from time to energy by listing all the positive ways your are using your energy to move forward.

How do you keep a good relationship with your husband going through infertility?

The most important concept is over communication and the trick is determining what is the appropriate or most desired way of communicating.

Communicating in a way that is the best for your partner.

Creating time to acknowledge your relationship and giving thanks for your spouse is such an amazing exercise, especially under such great pressure.
The more you can understand the other person’s point of view and acknowledge the way that they need to be supported during this time the better the chance of creating a self protected boundary around your relationship. Implementing the honey do list, writing your love story, planning a time together that is a “fertility issue” free zone, consistently reconnecting to the feelings of your foundations.  Re-establishing the associations of love and support by nurturing your relationship.
Reminding yourself that neither one of you are  at your peak performance or behaving as “normal” and accepting this “new normal” for this brief time is powerful.

Accepting that this is a temporary condition and you will re-adjust.

What is gratitude?  Isn’t that a virtue?

Thankfulness is a virtue.   What I mean by gratitude is a way of “being” on a cellular level.  So that when disappointment and negative experience happen along this journey you have this foundation to fall back on.  Notice I didn’t say negative feelings won’t be felt, I said that you can count on the carry over effects of gratitude to help you come back to center and move forward faster.
Thankfulness is a gift and a virtue.

What is the best thing a husband can do to support his wife with this?

Just asking this question scores you major awesome husband points.  Remembering  The Golden Rule doesn’t apply right now; do onto others as you would have done unto yourself.  It is more do onto your wife what she needs right now.  Simply asking the questions “how can I support you the most” will get you the information that you need.  Remember to engage in the Duck and Dodge, Strategy 14, in my book.  Let her tell you all that she needs to and keep repeating, “I don’t have to fix this____ I just have to listen for the next 5 minutes and that is doing so much for my wife”.

*Dr. Rob’s Love & Infertility Workshop Series is about to begin in the Latham, NY CNY Fertility Center on January 24th. Part 2 and Part 3 will be held during the months of February and March. If you are interested in attending any of these 3 workshops please email Chris at cbriel@cnyfertility.com. This workshop series is offered by Dr. Rob Kiltz as a gift to all CNY Fertility Center Clients. More information here.